You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger—Café Perkfection Arrives At The Fab Office

image

I’ve been asked to write about our new coffee machine. It appeared in the kitchen a few days ago, insinuating itself beside the fridge, the rotating toaster, the soft-serve ice cream maker, and a mesmerized, murmuring staff.

“I hear it can remember your name,” Mariel told the editorial team.

In the early hours of the day, it had already commandeered a prime piece of real estate on the kitchen counter. The large silver box was perched there imperiously, as though overlooking the city it had so recently conquered. A touchscreen perennially lit up with the words: “Café Perkfection, by Corporate Essentials.”

Like the cover of a mystery novel…

By midafternoon, it had already been mentioned fondly on Fab’s job message board:

“Fab is looking for an experienced Faculties Manager to assist with: safe use and monitor maintenance of the CresCor steam table, the Taylor soft serve machine, the Perkfection cappuccino machine…”

In just a few hours, Café Perkfection seemed poised to revolutionize our kitchen, add buzz to our mornings, and forever change the way we talked about coffee.

image

The machine can drizzle out over 35 different coffee beverages—each in just under a minute. While you wait, that eager-to-please touchscreen keeps you in thrall with a succession of flirty notes:

IN THE NEXT MINUTE, YOUR COFFEE WILL BE…

FRESHLY GROUND

AND INDIVIDUALLY BREWED…

…TO GIVE YOU THE PERFECT CUP OF FRESH COFFEE…

ENJOY!

Perkfection’s under-the-hood machinations reveal themselves to you piece by piece, with coffee choices ranging from the familiar (“Coffees,” “Espresso Creations,”) to the deliriously decadent (“Chocolate Creations,” “Vanilla Creations,”) to the merely undesirable (“Decaf & Hot Water”).

Possibilities sprawl. You can enjoy smoky Coffee Sumatra or full-bodied Peet’s Major Dickason. You can try a cup of “Coffee Blend 1 and 2.” If you’re feeling naughty, there’s the Café Mocha, the Café Vanilla, or the not-to-be-underestimated Short Coffee.

image

Why not try your luck with the Vanilla Latte or the Vanilla Bean Espresso? The Vanilla Mocha Latte or the Vanilla Cappuccino? Why not go buck wild and splash headfirst into the kicky Vanilla Steamer?

If you’d like, you can even try the French Vanilla. Go ahead—you’ve earned it.

Trying to be healthy? Well, Perkfection can serve up a fresh batch of Coffee Decaf or Coffee Half Caff or Decaf Espresso or Decaf Mocha. If you really play it safe, it’ll even serve up some “Water,” fast becoming a classic of the genre.

I’ll post a definitive review once I’ve had a chance to enjoy them all.

 

—Derek Dekoff

Notes

  1. do-nothing reblogged this from fab
  2. fab posted this