Today Fab features an assortment of fabrics from the one and only Amy Sedaris, the comedian, author, and domestic artist extraordinaire who possesses the uncanny ability to hold her face in a “who farted?” repose for extended periods of time while assembling a stunning autumnal wreath on morning television. The collection of printed 100% cotton is full of ricrac, Dallas-inspired dollar signs, and darling dotty prints inspired by Amy’s favorite colors and patterns that will suit the needs of both super sewers and well-meaning needlepoint novices.
Each educational text is packed with craft ideas, recipes, helpful tips, and charming anecdotes, as well as a bounty of full-color photographs featuring the author. Easy-to-use and breezily written, these New York Times best-selling tomes inspire hours of enjoyment for crafters of all levels.
I dove in Amy’s books (emphasis on Simple Times) with all the academic intentions of a Rhodes scholar. However, I’m not only a Girl Scout dropout, but my small motor skills are so abysmal they were cited as a contributing factor to my last breakup. The results of handiwork ranged from embarrassing to unidentifiable. In the past week, I’ve learned you can’t just slap some pompoms on a stick and call it a day.
Crafts I succeeded at:
Lil Smokey Cheeseball (excellent reviews from eaters; versatile recipe; presentation on-point)
Penny Bookmarks (made two, one for each book)
Fuck It Bucket (literally a bucket with profanity written on it, to be filled with emergency candy rations)
Tissue Ghost (impossible to mess up, you just glue googly eyes to tissue paper).
Crafts I failed at:
Matchstick Cross (hours spent burning matches: 2, hours spent assembling: 1, hours spent crying and praying over result 1)
Kit Potholders (not in stock at Duane Reade)
Macaroni Alien Mask (forgot to phone home)
Hair Lamp (not enough friends willing to donate; bald spots)
Kazoo (sloppy paint job)
“I Can’t Do Anything Right” Box (too many conflicting feelings to initiate craft)
Vanishing Dented Ping-Pong Ball (didn’t boil water fully)
At the end of it all I found myself in the midst of an existential crisis over my failures, surrounded by matchsticks, super glue, and paper scraps. Then it dawned on me, these were crafts for simple times. Simple times. Simple crafts. Would Amy care that my Tongue Depressor Characters didn’t have hair? Or that my Salt Igloo was structurally unsound? No, no she would not. Crafting is not about getting it perfect or right. Crafting is about resourceful creativity and killing time. As Amy says in her mid-book pep talk, “The only person you have to please is yourself, and let’s face it, what do you know about art?”
Don’t over-complicate it.
Newly enlightened, I attempted one last project. This one isn’t in the book (creative!). I took my leftover pile of scraps (resourceful!) and wove together a headpiece with the Holy Trinity of craft products: pipe cleaners, nylon lanyard, and googly eyes. Then I slapped some pompoms on it and called it a day. And it’s perfect, if I do say so myself. This crown is for the craft queen, Amy Sedaris. Long may she reign.