One of the funniest guys on the Internet, Matt Bellassai earned a cult following (and a People’s Choice Award) for his Buzzfeed web series “Whine About It”. He is now touring the nation as a stand-up comic and on-stage drunk person, and filling up your Facebook feed with clips from his new web series, “To Be Honest”.
We immortalized his witticisms on a series of Fab-exclusive products, which you can and most definitely should shop right away. Until then, content yourself with Matt’s super-serious, sommelier-level take on his favorite—and least favorite—wines. Take it away, Matt!
My 3 favorite types of wine
I like cabernet sauvignon because it feels the fanciest to pronounce, but also because it has “herbal notes,” and even though I don’t really know what that means, I’m assuming it means it has herbal powers, like tea, and that drinking an entire bottle is basically the same as drinking a powerful natural medicine.
Chardonnay is fruity, buttery, and white, which is exactly how I describe myself on dating apps, so it’s a natural fit.
Rosé is the wine you drink when you’re sitting beside a hotel pool in a large sun hat while a young cabana boy fans you with a large leaf. That’s the kind of imagery I look for in a wine drinking experience.
My 3 least favorite wines
Wine has no right to be this sweet. It’s wine, not fruit punch, and you can’t handle a little kick in the throat, then you shouldn’t be drinking wine. Riesling is just wine that hasn’t passed puberty yet.
To be honest, I don’t even know what zinfandel is, and I don’t think anybody knows what zinfandel is, because it’s a fake. Don’t you dare try to describe a wine as “zesty” and think I’m not gonna have something to say about it.
Moscato tastes like someone accidentally dropped an orange peel into toilet water. Why even bother?